They knew,

•September 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment

A shiver
Was all I needed
To know that the wind last evening
Proceeded to touch my soft skin
As if intimately knowing, it was you

The bitter taste of back woods beer
Was washed out by the moon
Glaring at me as I sat on this roof

I climbed a top
My skirt shifted,
As if to betray my inner yearnings

Hoping the man beside,
Would touch me, as the wind had.
While the moon, again with it’s piercing gaze
Called me a harlot
Beneath the cloudy haze.

The stars winked, knowingly
As I proceeded to sit in the salty air
Above the town
Hoping to maybe release a tension

However the wind, once more
Came and caused the trees to whisper
A name I had long forgotten

With a twist and shake
A large smile from the man beside
Offered me his hand
As I climbed down the stairs
Twilight giggled in the after math
As I walked to my path

Away from the man
Who’s smile promised pure satisfaction.

September 2014
This was a pretty night, watching the stars with someone new.

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Inebriated Poetry

•September 16, 2014 • 2 Comments

For a while

The slight buzz I received from cheap beer and overpriced martinis,

Allowed my mind to wander…

To a specific memory.

I was walking to my car,

In the downtown area.

I pictured you standing there drunk and full of emotions.

You grabbed my neck

And told me,

Something I think?

You told me I was incredibly beautiful!

And pulled me close, brought me to your person

Then I realized..

The months have flown by.

As if to mock me,

Because here you are.

Still as distant as the first time,

Your lips met mine.

It’s funny,

How time works.

Now matter how long it’s been,

It feels as if it occurred only moment’s prior.

(Written April 2014)

The story behind this poem goes back to the first time I realized I would be in deep trouble if I did not protect myself. Did I? Absolutely not.

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Can you hear me?

•September 11, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dearest Reader,

There are certain times during the week where I become lost within myself.
People around ask if I am all right, why am I not acting as my usual self.

Does one have to always chatter? Could part of being who I am involve a time of self reflection?

They are probably right though. Something was wrong with me today.
My chest felt constricted, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry a lot, actually But for some reason I would not let the tears flow.

At the bar, I was sitting with one of my sisters friends. I was spaced out, looking at the refrigerator full of bottled beer. Not the usual kind that you find at any local bar.

But the cheapest ones, the bottles that small town folk drink. Whatever that may mean. It was full of those gas station forties, mini margarita cans, and something I could just not recognize? Maybe it was natural light.

The night was filled with those times, where my mind wandered. To somewhere else. I couldn’t tell you where I was going to, but there I was. People attempting to snap me out of my daze, but there I sat. Just as vacant as the homes here after labor day.

Maybe it was due to the moon tonight. Pulling the strings of my heart, shining a bright light into a certain part of my soul that remains empty. Desperately trying to be filled, but currently learning to deal with the pain of what is no longer there.

I miss him, the one that was a part of me. The only person who thought I was his hero. I often hope that he would come visit me in my dreams, but he wont. He shouldn’t really, take time from flying wherever he is to visit a place that was too painful to reside in.

My mind may also wander to future endeavors. But for now, I keep getting shaken out of this dumbfounded stupor.

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“So I close my eyes softly,
’till i become that part of the wind
that we all long for sometime, yeah.
And to those that I love, like a ghost through a fog
– like a charmed hour and a haunted song,
and the angel of my dreams.” -Fleetwood Mac

Oh Daddy,

•September 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dearest Reader,

Again, this vacation into the woods.

I was sinking into the couch, so comfortable. I posted something earlier, just a incredibly candid profession from one of my admirers.

Posted it on a popular social media site and someone from my past had something to say.

I then began to realize that most of the men I associate with (and by associate, I mean committed myself to ), are all of the same caliber.

Arrogant, self-loathing, confident, aggressive, and argumentative. Super sure of themselves, mostly to the point of narcissism.

I literally had a moment where I put my hand to my forehead.

I have been dating the same slew of self loathing narcissists for as long as I can remember.

Why?

Because my father is the same exact way.

Those same characteristics are what makes up this man.

I wanted to cry because I assumed I had figured out my daddy issues.
Thought I was over the fact that he was never really around, supportive or even that great of a parent.

I worked hard, went to school, and did the best with what I had.

BUT, I am changing my outlook and avoiding those boys like the plague.

Not even boys, people like that in general.

Good riddance, sheesh.

“Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Why is it every time we say goodnight, it feels like goodbye?”
― Lang Leav
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Explain to me,

•September 8, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dearest Reader,

Recently I have traipsed off to the back woods of Florida in hopes to figure a few things out.
I did not expect to find myself even more lost than I was before I arrived.

I have noticed, down in these parts, that children are treated…like children and adults all wrapped up in earthy country philopsophy.

Children here are not fragile or treated as if they are going to broken.
When they grow up, they are still functioning human beings. Their level of intellect, maybe is not as large but still. Their lives are very simple and that seems to be something the most depressed seem to want to posses.

It is funny how one wants what the other possess. If being simple meant that happiness was easier to find or rather satisfaction, that is the fountain of youth those in the city would love to harbor.

Obviously, there are some behaviors I may not necessarily implement in my future parenting.

But, maybe we coddle our children too much in hopes that they never have to experience pain.
Pain is important for the human struggle, else wise how could anyone ever appreciate the goodness around them?

The night sky wouldn’t be as beautiful if the dim stars did not make their presence known or the moon (not that much light pollution out here) shining it’s light upon the beings below would not be a mystical.

The days would be long suffering if there was not shade to find comfort in from the suns intense light.

My point being, humans are not as breakable as we are lead to believe.
And maybe, we can take care of ourselves without someone doting on us.
So for this realization I have accepted that the way I survive is not so bad.
Just a simple thought from my musings, featured in the backwoods of this tiny town.
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“I don’t think all writers are sad, she said. I think it’s the other way around- all sad people write.”
― Lang Leav

Outside the rain

•September 5, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dearest Reader,

Time creeps into the morning.
Darkness encloses around me.
The mysticism of “Dreams” plays softly in the background.
Of course, without the words. I need no other distractions.

My eyes close softly to not disrupt the memory of your handsome face.

The chords and harmonies of the song coinciding with the way our souls were attached. Were. Interconnected through a shared aversion to fruits that perpetuate inebriation. Or maybe more so wheat, in your favor.

Your vision still alive and well, behind the shadows of my closed eyes.

The stubble from your strong jaw still rough beneath my soft finger tips, creating the spark that once was.

The way your mouth held secrets and preoccupied my lips with a dangerous dance.

Your body pieced together with mine, also on borrowed time.

The taste of a moment not yet forgotten.

Brought forth by intentional strumming of the guitar, in beat with my heart. Slowly becoming lost within the song, dreaming of a ballad that I would desperately love to sell.

This beating reverberated with his once, my heart used to yearn for the lonely man who could not even call himself his own.

The house I vacated for my own sanity.

Not lost within the forest, imagining your being.

Hoping your smile could calm the typhoon that cursed through my veins.

The veil has been lifted though, that promise never came to fruition. The influences have dispersed, and soberly I open my eyes and realized that I am alone.

In the darkness, where I need to be.

It ended, as all moments behave.

Your cold flame could only survive as long as I continue to perpetuate the dream of what we once were. I have come to this knowledge, that maybe it never really was more than a fantasy fueled by the fires of a spirit.

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“Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It’s only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you’d like to sell

Dreams of loneliness like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had and what you lost
And what you had, oh what you lost”

-Dreams, Fleetwood Mac

Sabatical

•September 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The amount of time I have allowed to pass without posting an entry is quite surprising!

A lot of things have transpired since the previous posting. I will not be ashamed to admit that I might have had a substance abuse problem, an issue with someone I loved dearly, and a realization that it was all a distraction for a bigger problem that I was facing.

I was filtering through a couple of pictures the other day, on my computer. Scrolling along, looking. Remembering the times they were all taken. The events leading up to certain instances.

I have found that maybe a few problems that I have found myself facing were due to influences of other means. Quite possibly would have never happened without that help.

Did words ever mean anything? Were the promises real?

Or were they blanketed with fermented hops and doses of leaves used to energize the serotonin levels within your mind.

Currently I have jaunted away from my real life and have found myself in the back woods of where my half siblings currently reside in.

The journey here was a long thought out decision that a lot of people could not fathom. Why would I leave the comfort of the city to get away from it all.
So painful leaving all of my friends and people that I love.

I realize that this was my decision, however; sometimes moments alone are imperative in order to grow and figure things out. I believe, anyways.

So far I have been here for a week and some change.

I have some new ideals about certain things and more posts will come soon.

I have a tumblr as well, that is where I post more poetic things.

Anyways, greetings and salutations to all my blog fans that I have been taking a vacation from.

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